Inspired by Falsehoods Programmers Believe About Dogs, I thought it would be great to offer you falsehoods programmers believe about mankind’s other best friend. But since I don’t know what that is, here’s instead a version about cats.
- Cats would never eat your face.
- Cats would never eat your face while you were alive.1
- Okay, cats would sometimes eat your face while you’re alive, but my cat absolutely would not.
- Okay, fine. At least I will never run out of cat food.
- You’re kidding me.
- There will be a time when your cat knows enough not to vomit on your computer.
- There will be a time when your cat cares enough not to vomit on your computer.
- At the very least, if your cat begins to vomit on your computer and you try to move it to another location, your cat will allow you to do so.
- When your cat refuses to move, it will at least not manage to claw your arm surprisingly severely while actively vomiting.
- Okay, but at least they won’t attempt to chew the power cord while vomiting and clawing your hand, resulting in both of you getting an electric shock.
- …how the hell are you even alive?2
- Cats enjoy belly rubs.
- Some cats enjoy belly rubs.
- Cats reliably enjoy being petted.
- Cats will reliably tell you when they no longer enjoying being petted.
- Cats who trust their owners will leave suddenly when they’re done being petted, but at least never cause you massive blood loss.
- Given all of the above, you should never adopt cats.
- You are insane.
Happy ten years in your forever home, my two scruffy kitties. Here’s to ten more.
Here, ask Dewey, he knows more about it than I do. ↩︎
Because, while my cat has absolutely eaten through a power cord, this is an exaggeration. The getting scratched while trying to get my cat not to puke on a computer I was actively using happened at a different time from the power cord incident. Although this doesn’t answer the question how she is alive. ↩︎